“Look At Her, What Do You See?” – “She’s Lost. And Alone.”

“What do you want to tell her?” 
“I want her to know that she deserves love. That one day, she will experience beautiful things. And most importantly, that if she stays strong, she will make it out of her misery one day, because no feeling is forever. There’s either an end or a change.”

 

Dear little human with dirty blonde, shaggy hair and these lost eyes,

I’ve met you two weeks ago. I am you and you are me, and yet we’re miles away from each other, despite living inside the same body. I haven’t met you in all my life, and then two weeks ago, there you were, on a sunny day with a blue sky, a forest nearby and a long farm road on which you appeared at the edge of its horizon. It was heartbreaking and fascinating to meet you, little human. I didn’t know you looked so tiny. I’ve never felt tiny? I’ve always felt like a tall girl and I’ve never been fragile at any age, and despite my memories of how we looked like, you seemed so tiny. Like I could just fit my arms around you – twice. Your hair a mess, your blueish eyes looked like adult’s eyes that have seen too much to still have that childish light in them. You looked like a lifelong experience in the body of a child. Your clothes were straight out the 90s, I couldn’t believe we actually wore pink when I was you. And layers. We wore layers. Man, so many things I forgot! I wasn’t sure how to speak to you, I think you felt my hesitance. You looked so busy just with yourself, you seemed like you’re there but also like you’re not really there… you were probably half lost in a daydream, it happens to me all the time as a young adult, too. I think it felt uncanny meeting somebody who shares so many characteristics with me. You’ve radiated a paradox message, too. It felt like you wanted to reach out to me and have somebody share your pain and loneliness, but at the same time, you didn’t know how and backed off like a frightened dog whenever I tried getting close. I could tell, and it broke my heart, and broke it again and again. Do you know I’ve cried just seconds after I’ve met you? Man, I’ve cried about you. Sweet little human. I kneeled down before you and I’ve looked into your eyes and we hugged. I felt this tiny, fragile body pressed against mine and I could feel so many emotions in this moment. Things we can’t quite voice, you and I, feelings we still can’t find words for. But we both know them. When I hugged you, I felt home. Between you and me are 16 years and yet, when I finally hugged someone who understands, I couldn’t stop crying. I’m sorry, I think I may have wet your pink layer t-shirt. I know mom will be a little upset, but we know her and that her anger is just superficial and that she loves you. But I’m sorry. For more than just my tears on your shirt. From far away, I heard a voice ask me what were the things I wanted to give you on your way. So I told you. I told you, you deserve happiness. I know you do not feel like it. I know you feel like you’re scum. It’s only natural, because everyone tells you and treats you that way. Mom keeps telling you people will grow up eventually, but you know this is still very far away. But believe me, it will happen. The moment will come when we’ve all passed by our 20th birthday and are semi grown up and value different things. I’ve also told you that one day you will experience beautiful things. And I am crying again. Little 9 year old Mercy, you are so convinced that beautiful things are reserved for other people. You had a friend once, she left. You’ve only known solitude and pain since then. I know beautiful things aren’t in your dimension. But let me just tell you, life has some pretty awesome things in store for you. Maybe they will happen later in your life, but they will be very intense and you will love them so much. Look, I know for you that’s just stories, but for me it’s memories. At 16, we will get drunk for the first time, and as the cheap wine flows through our stomach, we smile into the night, as we go to this tiny smokey pub every friday, staring at older boys we’d never dare to talk to. And we’ll watch sunrises. We’ll watch sunrises over big cities! We’ll also move to one, one day you will live in one of Europe’s greatest capitals and it will make your life so much better! And ohgod, I know you’re too young to think about that, but I need to tell you that we’ll have the most awesome first kiss ever. I don’t wanna spoil too much, but it will be movie-like. There will be cheesy sunsets involved in our first kiss. And a lake. And missed trains. And laughter. Trust me, you will want to look forward to that! And, little human, all the places we will travel to. You will fall madly in love with London. And one day, you’ll travel through Eastern Europe as a casual thing. You will have best friends. Now, don’t look at me like this. I am you, remember? Trust me. We’ll have the most amazing best friends, and with some of them we will explore the world. One day you and I meet people who value us – who think we’re beautiful, who think we’re funny, who think our time is worth something, who think our company is unique, people who think we have a fantastic soul and we’re unique in their world. And it will move us to tears, I won’t lie, but it will happen. And little Mercy, you will do the most insane thing: You will fall in love. To be honest, our choices are always a disaster… but a sweet one. Your first big love will be so intense it will shake up your world for years. And everyone who follows is just as beautiful. You know, you and I are not the type who settles when they are 18. We’re adventurers. We will be inspired by the people we love. I know that at nine years you can’t understand, but one day we’ll be touched by someone we love and this touch feels like it makes time stop and the world disappear and it will cause a firework in your heart and take your breath away. It is beautiful. Oh, and we’ll write novels about it. In fact, you’ll write your first novel at 18 and your second at 20 and people will fall in love with your writing and everybody you meet will become a fictional character. You deserve love, and great things will happen. And you know when it gets particularly dark in your life… when they ignore you, tell you you’re disgusting or annoying… you know, I still remember their words… but this is not forever. Kids are stupid. Is this something an adult would say? But kids are stupid, they don’t have a lot of emotional intelligence or empathy yet. They get hooked up on nothing, just a group of insecure little humans who need somebody that makes them feel bigger than they are. It will make you strong. You will become an empath. You will look at people and love their darkness, and you’ll heal them. The pain you’re in right now won’t make you hard. In fact, it will make you overflowing with love. I know you’re lonely. So, so, so, lonely. I’m also lonely, little Mercy. I am also so lonely sometimes. We long for something, you and I, that we will look for forever, I think. I don’t know if the loneliness will ever go away. It does, temporarily. But it comes back. Maybe loneliness is written in our code. It’s the one thing that will always be true about us. But we have each other. You help me and I help you, okay? I love you, even though sometimes I can’t find you in me, even though I’ve let you stand outside in the rain so many times. Even though I am bad at taking care of you or defending your rights. I’m sorry I’ve let all this people talk to you like shit. I’m sorry I haven’t been around when people left you. I’m sorry we’ve spent so much time apart. I’m sorry, because when I was standing on a platform in the dark on a cold Wednesday in January four years ago, I wish you had been there to hold my hand. I wish when I crashed to the floor on a May day last year, you would have sat there and stared at white hospital walls with me. We’re never alone, if we see it that way, are we? We just keep abandoning each other. But I do love and care for you.  And mom and dad do as well. And if three people love you, that’s a lot already. Now go, little Mercy. Go and be strong. And focus on what you will feel one day, and have confidence in the temporary nature of all misery. Do not let them take your hope. Go and be the strong little kid that can be beaten down a million times, but she returns to school the next day. I am amazed by your strength, I feel like some of it might have gone lost on the way. I’ll hug you one more time, then I’ll need to get back to my life. Goodbye. What? No, I am not crying, ohgod. I’m an adult, adults don’t cry. Those are… salty feelings. Which I have for you. Those salty feelings are all yours. Until we meet again. ♥

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